Nine

Why do we push away the ones we care about the most?

I think I must’ve cried for an hour straight. As I lay on my bed, the tears just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t help but think that I must’ve hurt you or made you feel bad. I’m not the one who can make you happy. I only bring you trouble and pain. I’m not good for you, not right now at least. There’s so much I wish I could tell you but I can’t because I would look weak. I want to rely on you and borrow your strength, only I can’t because I would break before you could save me.

Why does it hurt to love you this much. It’s not fair.

You could say the sweetest things to me and it would hurt just the same as if you had completely rejected me. I’m so caught up in the negativity and the “what if’s” that I can’t value the few moments in the day that I actually get to talk to you.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for being who I am and the way that I am. You don’t deserve this. You never fail to be there for me and to create a soft landing for when I fall. But I’m sorry that I can never respond to your kindness. //

I’m not okay and I haven’t been okay for the past four months. Every step through the day is slow and when night falls, every breath is painful. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even know why I’m still here (I do, but maybe that reason will soon disappear too). I look in the mirror and I see the shell of a worthless living existence.

My throat is tightening as I write. I’m suffocating. //

NOTE: New page up: “Messages for you”