Dating a toxic partner

Everyone talks about dating someone with a physical type that isn't you. But no one talks about dating someone with a type, and you are it and also not it. Agree to disagree, but I think the latter is arguably worse.

Asian. Skinny. Pretty. Yeah, I am those things. 

But,

No one talks about only being able to admire the girls you see on the internet for so long until the split second the thought of "I would kill to look like her" hits you because you are reminded of the pictures of girls that flooded his 'explore', 'for you', and Reddit pages.

No one talks about forcing yourself to not compare yourself to every Asian girl who walks past when you are with him, but you glance to see whether his eyes followed.

No one talks about how right before hitting send on TikTok you don't because the girl in it is a pretty, skinny Asian. Even if the video was about a cafe that you would like to go to one day with him.

No one talks about not being able to help but wonder whether he just "settled" for you because he couldn't get an Asian girl, you know, those ones with the fake, or maybe they're real, anime tits, 

porcelain skin, 

delicate, 

exuding sex, 

like the ones he used to drool over on the internet.

No one talks about the real reason why you are so desperate to meet his girl best friend is that you want to know whether she is closer, physically, to those online Asian babes, and maybe that's why he keeps her around.

No one talks about the sinking feeling you had when he told his mom about you for the first time on the phone and the first thing she said was, "another Asian, huh."

No one talks about how you used to love girly anime but have switched to gory, action, male-directed manga because those anime chicks make you sick, but you know he loves them.  

How disgusting is it that I literally compare myself to cartoon characters? I am literally the most insecure person I know and I literally hate myself for it. I wake up, I look at myself in the mirror to make sure I haven't gained any weight (because people gain weight overnight, duh), I scrub my face until it's falling off because I hate my skin and it hates me and then I fight back tears and the lump in my throat says hi because there's a new fucking pimple on my cheek probably because I am so stressed about making sure I am not doing anything to get new pimples that I end up getting one anyway and then I skip breakfast because I feel like shit and just end up having coffee for the rest of the day because I have an eating disorder that I like to pretend that I don't have :) 

and I wonder why my skin is fucked. crazy.

Disclaimer: this is a rant. no hate to my boyfriend. I do love this boy and 90% of the time I truly don't give a shit about everything I've said so far but

Here's the thing: yeah, he has a type, but most people do. There's nothing wrong with having a type and nothing he has done specifically has made me feel the things above. In fact, he assures me every day that I am perfect and everything he has ever wanted, inside and out. 

Quoting Taylor Swift (ew); it's me. I'm the problem. I'm the one with the insecurities, constantly comparing myself to every single Asian chick I see when I have no reason to. I am in constant need of attention and reassurance, which is such a red flag. I've had to turn off activity status on social media and forced my boyfriend to turn off his location because otherwise, it makes my blood boil if I see him online but not speaking to me, and what I don't see can't hurt me because ignorance is bliss. I am always overthinking, always doubting, and always so mistrusting. Because yeah, he's done some fucked up shit, but so have I, and we've gotten through them all together. What we have, and he, is worth it. He has done everything and more to show me that his entire world is me and how sorry he is for all the shit we've been through. But while my head knows that the only way forward is trust and communication, there's a small part of my heart that will not give itself fully to protect me. So instead I lie straight to his face and tell him there are no broken pieces in our relationship still to be picked up.

I am the toxic partner.