Four

4:32am //

"Don't let her get to you"

Yeah, so much easier said than done. If I had the strength to not let my mothers words get to me, I wouldn't be struggling like this every day would I? //

It's funny. When you finally let go of the person you've been most dependent on, you kind of lose all momentum in life. As if they've taken who you were (if you were anyone) away with them. And now, I don't know if it's even worth finding that someone to depend on anymore. I used to be surrounded by people who knew me better than I knew myself and they always had a solution. But what of now? Sure, I have close friends who are always going to offer their endless support: "Talk to me." "What's wrong?" "Everything is going to be okay." But would any of them really be able to help me? Would any of them really, truly understand every twisted thought that runs my mind? I doubt it. 

I have no one. 
And I'm okay with that. 

I've always known that the only one who can save me is myself. I need to learn to be strong without constantly relying on my friends to make me feel like I'm allowed to take another breath on this planet. I need to establish who I am as a person that is separate from the person my friends make me out to be. I've always relied on my friends to make me feel better, to ease the pain temporarily. But I can't keep burdening my friends; I can't keep complaining about my life. //

I know people will say it's okay to have that one person who becomes your lifeline. And I agree. But if they're going to be that for you, there's a line you can't cross. A line I crossed without a backup oxygen tank.

Love drowned me. 

It beckoned me to trust in him, to entrust my whole entity to him. My world, my being was constructed around him. And now that he's gone, who am I? //

"Who am I?" A typical existential monological question we ask. "What is my purpose?" "Am I real?" "Am I living or existing?" "Is there another me in a parallel universe?" "Why am I here?" "Why am I me?" "What is life?" Life is full of unanswered questions. And I guess that's the best reason to keep living, to get one step closer to answering those questions for yourself. 

What are your questions? //

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