One

"I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself."

These are the recurring thoughts running through my head. If you’ve never experienced this, then maybe this blog isn’t for you. //

I write this first post two days after my birthday. It's Autumn here. //

I think I have anxiety? I say "I think" because it's unclear whether it's just my silly teenage emotions getting the best of me or if it is a definitive issue. I do get panic attacks though. Aren't they a product of anxiety? I think a lot of you can relate to my confusion. Sometimes my anxiety and panic attacks stem from a known reason and in other cases, it happens at random, at the most unfavorable times. 

Just like my thoughts this blog will sound very unclear, I suppose. I will write when I feel like it or when I need to, to ease this pain. This pain of living. (God, I sound like an editor for tumblr) I first started writing on Apple 'Notes' as a way to heal the pain of the daily, evermore increasing criticisms of my mother. In the beginning, I would merely write what I wished she would've said to me instead of what she had actually stated, or what I wished I could say back to her as she beats my self-esteem down to nothing. Before I realized, I was composing chapters. Chapters that grew beyond the relationship with my mother to my relationships with friends, lovers, and myself. My best friend told me I should start a blog. So here I am. //

Many people who know my family will think I’m absurd, "throwing these lies around," they’d say. But this is my story. This is my therapeutic journey, in a way, to heal myself and keep myself sane. On my good days, I can sit at my desk calm and collected and write. And on my bad days, I’ll be under the covers with my paper bag to steady my breathing. 

This blog is about the little things going on in my life that I feel the need to talk about. I hope I can help alleviate someone else's pain or confusion by somehow relating to their situation. //

NOTE: My deepest gratitude to my best friend who encouraged me to begin writing to the public. This goes out to you. I sincerely appreciate you being in my life so much. I hope you can also find your peace soon.