Unsent Messages 2.0
3:12am //
So you wanted to know how I was feeling. And I told you that it’s everything you’ve already heard. You say you know I’m hurting and then you act like you don’t know that like ??? I’ve already told you. I cried to you for an hour the other night about how much I love you and how it’s driving me crazy. How hard it is to talk to you everyday but not as we always did. How hard it is to pretend that I’m not hurting when I am (but clearly I’m not doing a good just at hiding it because you already know). It’s so hard because I don’t know what you’re feeling and I don’t want to be the only one stuck in this place not being able to move. And I tried for the last couple days to do what we agreed on, to just be friends but i still don’t know where I am relative to you. I’m in this endless spiral of confusion with myself and with you. I love you but I don’t want to because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be in so much pain. I’m trying to tell myself that I can be happy with the way things are. I’m trying because I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel so alone and empty without you. Why did I fall in love with you? Why do I love you so much. How is it possible for me to literally prefer to choose death if not you. I’m so torn on so many sides. With my parents, my anxiety that I never knew I had, and you...you are the finishing blow. But i keep smiling because at least then, I can make myself believe that everything is fine the way it is. I wish our timing had been better. They say no one is ever truly happy but for me, all I need to be happy is you. Without you I’m nothing. And I wish you’d see that but i don’t know if you ever did. If only you knew how my body shakes as I feel it being ripped to shreds and slowly regenerating and getting ripped again. If only you knew how reading your notes from way back then to me just fills me up with so much joy and then as soon as I finish reading, it sinks in that I don’t have that anymore and how much I miss that and I just cry. If only you knew how i dream about us and when those dreams get shattered, i wake up and I just stare up at the ceiling with silent tears. I’m physically tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling so fucking weak and pathetic. I just want to be held by you one last time. I want to hug you and kiss you and hear your heartbeat just one last time. If I got to hold your hand one last time, I’d hold on to the memory forever and I’d tell myself that’s all I’ll ever need and I’ll force myself to believe it. I’ll do it to save us both from this pain.
So you wanted to know how I was feeling. And I told you that it’s everything you’ve already heard. You say you know I’m hurting and then you act like you don’t know that like ??? I’ve already told you. I cried to you for an hour the other night about how much I love you and how it’s driving me crazy. How hard it is to talk to you everyday but not as we always did. How hard it is to pretend that I’m not hurting when I am (but clearly I’m not doing a good just at hiding it because you already know). It’s so hard because I don’t know what you’re feeling and I don’t want to be the only one stuck in this place not being able to move. And I tried for the last couple days to do what we agreed on, to just be friends but i still don’t know where I am relative to you. I’m in this endless spiral of confusion with myself and with you. I love you but I don’t want to because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be in so much pain. I’m trying to tell myself that I can be happy with the way things are. I’m trying because I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel so alone and empty without you. Why did I fall in love with you? Why do I love you so much. How is it possible for me to literally prefer to choose death if not you. I’m so torn on so many sides. With my parents, my anxiety that I never knew I had, and you...you are the finishing blow. But i keep smiling because at least then, I can make myself believe that everything is fine the way it is. I wish our timing had been better. They say no one is ever truly happy but for me, all I need to be happy is you. Without you I’m nothing. And I wish you’d see that but i don’t know if you ever did. If only you knew how my body shakes as I feel it being ripped to shreds and slowly regenerating and getting ripped again. If only you knew how reading your notes from way back then to me just fills me up with so much joy and then as soon as I finish reading, it sinks in that I don’t have that anymore and how much I miss that and I just cry. If only you knew how i dream about us and when those dreams get shattered, i wake up and I just stare up at the ceiling with silent tears. I’m physically tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling so fucking weak and pathetic. I just want to be held by you one last time. I want to hug you and kiss you and hear your heartbeat just one last time. If I got to hold your hand one last time, I’d hold on to the memory forever and I’d tell myself that’s all I’ll ever need and I’ll force myself to believe it. I’ll do it to save us both from this pain.
I love you but I have to let you go.
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