Seven

Nicotine, THC, Tranquilizers.
Drugs don't really do much for me.

Taking one, two, or fifty hits will release Dopamine; a chemical produced in the brain associated with pleasure and reward.

If only it could completely wipe my mind. //

I wish I could start anew and become a blank slate. I wish I could erase every stupid decision I have made that shackles me to my shadow. I wish I could become numb to emotion, to feeling, to fearing so that I don't have to cry anymore.

Why is it that even though I'm so close to reaching freedom, I seem to be shutting down with every passing day? How can I feel so empty and yet feel so much weight and agony with every tread I make? Why do I feel so powerless against the waves of pain my mind and body surrender to?

Why can't I be stronger?

That will forever be the question I ask myself. //

Day in, day out, I go through the motions of daily actions. Walking, talking, breathing has become a chore. Every movement I make is stalked like a hawk. I can't even read with a peace of mind. I just want to be left alone. Even just for two minutes, I would revel in the luxury of freedom and silence. I wouldn't have to worry about being watched or judged with scrutiny.

I want to be alone but everyday is already so lonely.

Someone please light the path to an escape route. Find me a way out in the least painful way.

Although pain can sometimes ease pain, at times we can lose ourselves a little too much, push ourselves a little too far, and it can be lethal. //